Jokes and Humour


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JOKES AND HUMOUR 22

1. HOW DO YOU DENY?

An incident at Heathrow when an Indian stomped his feet on being denied entry in spite of holding a valid visa, screaming, “You stayed on in our country for over 200 years without invitation or a visa & now you deny me entry to visit my daughter?”

I really enjoyed the humour posted by Mr “BRT Rajan” brt_rajan@yahoo.com on Aug 13, 2013

2. THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE

LESSON 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, ‘I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel.’
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, ‘Who was that?’

‘It was Bob the next door neighbor she replies.

‘Great,’ the husband says, ‘did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?’

MORAL OF THE STORY: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

LESSON 2:

A priest offered a Nun a lift.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown n to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, ‘Father, remember Psalm 129?’

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.

The nun once again said, ‘Father, remember Psalm 129?’

The priest apologized ‘Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.’

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, ‘Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.’

Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

LESSON 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out.. The Genie says, ‘I’ll give each of you just one wish.’

‘Me first! Me first!’ says the admin clerk. ‘I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.’ Puff! She’s gone..

‘Me next! Me next!’ says the sales rep. ‘I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.’ Puff! He’s gone.

‘OK, you’re up,’ the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, ‘I want those two back in the office after lunch.’
MORAL OF THE STORY: Always let your boss have the first say.

LESSON 4

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, ‘Can I also sit like you and do nothing?’ The eagle answered: ‘Sure, why not.’

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

MORAL OF THE STORY: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

LESSON 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull. ‘I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree’ sighed the turkey, ‘but I haven’t got the energy.’
‘Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?’ replied the bull. They’re packed with nutrients.’

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

MORAL OF THE STORY: Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there..

LESSON 6

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

MORALS OF THE STORY: (1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy. (2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend. (3) And when you’re in deep shit, it’s best to keep your mouth shut!

I have added this management lessen under jokes and humours since on first hand these appear as very Laughing . But the morals told are worth thinking.I read these recently again in a posting by Sri : “Jaganathanmadhavan”jaganathanmadhavan@yahoo.com on Jul 17, 2013 Compiler – R. Gopala Krishnan, 69, retired AGM Telecom, Trivandrum dated 15-8-2013

__._,_.___

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Ranjani Geethalaya(Regd.) (Registered under Societies Registration Act XXI of 1860. Regn No S/28043 of 1995) A society for promotion of traditional values through,  Music, Dance, Art , Culture, Education and Social service. REGD OFFICE A-73 Inderpuri, New Delhi-110012, INDIA Email: ranjanigeethalaya@gmail.com  web: http://ranjanigeethalaya.webs.com (M)9868369793 all donations/contributions may be sent to Ranjani Geethalaya ( Regd) A/c no 3063000100374737, Punjab National Bank, ER 14, Inder Puri, New Delhi-110012, MICR CODE 110024135  IFSC CODE PUNB00306300

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Released by Society for Prevention of Cruelty to Husbands. 

Different Phases of a man:
After engagement: Superman
After Marriage: Gentleman
After 01 year:Stupid
After 05 years: Spiderman (cought up in his own made web)
After 10 years: Watchman
After 20 years: Doorman,walked all over by the wife.
 ———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——– ——— ——— ——–

There is only one perfect child in the world and every Mother has it.
There is only one perfect wife in the world and every Neighbour has it
 ———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——– ——— ——— ——–

Prospective husband: Do you have a book called “Man, The Master of Women”? ,or good wife.
Sales girl: The fiction department is on the other side, sir.
 ———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——– ——— ——— ——–
 
The world’s thinnest book has only one word written in it: “Everything” ;
and the book is titled: “What Women Want!”
 ———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——– ——— ——— ——–
 
A man who surrenders when he’s WRONG, is HONEST.
A man who surrenders when he’s NOT SURE, is WISE.
A man who surrenders when he’s RIGHT, is a HUSBAND
 ———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——– ——— ——— ——–
 
Girlfriends are like CHOCOLATES, taste good anytime.
Lovers are like PIZZAS, Hot and spicy, eaten frequently.
Wives are like Dal RICE, eaten when there`s no other choice 
———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——– ——— ——— ——–
 
Man receives telegram: Wife dead – should be buried or Cremated?
Man: Don’t take any chances. Burn the body and bury the ash. 
———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——– ——— ——— ——–
 
Q: Why dogs don’t marry?
A: Because they are already leading a dog’s life and they see their
Master’s life worst then theirs.
 ———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——– ——— ——— ——– 
Fact of life: One woman brings you into this world crying
The other ensures you continue to do so for the rest of your Life!
 ———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——– ——— ——— ——–
 
Q: Why doesn’t law permit a man to marry a second Woman?
A: Because as per law you cannot be punished twice for the Same offence 
———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——– ——— ——— ——–
 
Lady to her maid: Oh Kanta, I have reason to suspect that my husband is
having an affair with his secretary.”
Kanta : I don’t believe it! You are just saying that to make me jealous!” 
———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——– ——— ——— ——–
 
Man: I want a divorce. My wife hasn’t spoken to me in six months.
Lawyer: Better think it over. Wives like that are hard to find.


At Dowli the girl was crying uncontrollably and the bridegroom also started crying
Father :Son why are you crying
Son: Because the bride is crying
Father:Son she is crying because she is happy at leaving her family and you son have the rest of your life to cry

———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——– ——— ——— ——–
 
The bride, upon her engagement, went to her mother said,
“I’ve found a man just like father!”
Mother replied, “So what do you want from me, sympathy?”

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Ranjani Geethalaya(Regd.) (Registered under Societies Registration Act XXI of 1860. Regn No S/28043 of 1995) A society for promotion of traditional values through,  Music, Dance, Art , Culture, Education and Social service. REGD OFFICE A-73 Inderpuri, New Delhi-110012, INDIA Email: ranjanigeethalaya@gmail.com  web: http://ranjanigeethalaya.webs.com (M)9868369793 all donations/contributions may be sent to Ranjani Geethalaya ( Regd) A/c no 3063000100374737, Punjab National Bank, ER 14, Inder Puri, New Delhi-110012, MICR CODE 110024135  IFSC CODE PUNB00306300

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JOKES


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1.SATAN 

A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was Sitting in their pews and talking. 

Suddenly,Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the back entrance, trampling each Other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. 

Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God’s Ultimate enemy was in his presence. 

So Satan walked up to the man and said, 

‘Do you know who I am?’ 

The man replied, ‘Yep, sure do.’ 

‘Aren’t you afraid of me?’ Satan asked.

‘Nope, sure ain’t.’ said the man.

‘Don’t you realize I can kill you with one
word?’ asked Satan.

‘Don’t doubt it for a minute,’ returned the old man, in an even tone. 

‘Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?’ persisted Satan.

‘Yep,’ was the calm reply. 

‘And you’re still not afraid?’ asked Satan.

‘Nope,’ said the old man.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, ‘Why aren’t you afraid of me?’ 

The man calmly replied, ‘Been married to your sister for 48 years.’

I read the above humour in a posting “BALA IYER” majorbala48@yahoo.com on Jul 4, 2013 

2. ROMANCE NEVER DIES 

An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife felt romantic and wanted to talk.

She said, “You use to hold my hand when we were courting.”

Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep. A few moments later she said, “Then you used to kiss me.”

Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said, “Then you use to bite my neck.”

Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.

“Where are you going ?” she asked.

“To get my teeth!” 

I read the above in a posting by Sri n. saikrishnan (n.saikrishnan@gmail.com) On 6th July 2013 

3. MARATHON TEST

One woman to another: “Marriage should be an Olympic sport. It’s a marathon test of your strength and endurance!”

4 KEEPING WITH AGE

“In 1947, one rupee equaled one dollar; in 2000, it reached 45 days, today it is 60! Gosh, it’s almost keep up with my age!” – Kabir Bedi, on the free falling rupee.

5. PRESS BUTTON MATRIMONY…

An enterprising businessman set up a marriage bureau, which customers could access using their mobile phones. Banta rang up the number given and a recorded voice answered. “If you want to meet a suitable person to be your life partner, press one; if you have someone in mind, but, are having problems in getting engaged, press two. If you are engaged, but due to family objections, dowry demands or any reason your marriage is being help up, press three. If you have any other questions, press four.”

Banta pressed four. “What is your question?” The recorded voice asked.

“I want to get married for the second time. What do I press?”

“Your first wife’s throat!” The voice answered.

Humours ,3,4 and 5 are from Khatte Mitten posting by Krishnan Iyer on 1-7-2013

6. PURE HUMOUR

1) A wife complains, “A wall clock almost killed my mother today. It fell only seconds after she got up from the couch.”

Her husband mumbled, “That clock always was slow.”

2) A man visiting a doctor says, “Doctor, I just dropped in to tell you how much I benefitted from your treatment.”

Doctor: “But you are not one of my patients.”

Man: “I know. But my uncle was, and I am his heir.”

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Ranjani Geethalaya(Regd.) (Registered under Societies Registration Act XXI of 1860. Regn No S/28043 of 1995) A society for promotion of traditional values through,  Music, Dance, Art , Culture, Education and Social service. REGD OFFICE A-73 Inderpuri, New Delhi-110012, INDIA Email: ranjanigeethalaya@gmail.com  web: http://ranjanigeethalaya.webs.com (M)9868369793 all donations/contributions may be sent to Ranjani Geethalaya ( Regd) A/c no 3063000100374737, Punjab National Bank, ER 14, Inder Puri, New Delhi-110012, MICR CODE 110024135  IFSC CODE PUNB00306300

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Laugh a little


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te. 2. goto http://www.google.com/transliterate/indic/Tamil for creating tamil text.- Type a word and hit space to get it in Tamil. 3. Copy the text and paste it in your blogs. தமிழில் உரையாடுவோம்.   power by BLOGSPOT-PING


A day spent without laughter is a day wasted!!

Description:           cid:_2_09A6B94409A6B4A4004536996525787D 

Dad to Tintumon: When I beat you how did you control your anger?
Tintumon: I start cleaning the toilet.
Dad: How does that satisfy you?
Tintumon: I clean it with your tooth brush. 

Dad: Do u know how 2 swim?
Tintumon: No.
Dad: A dog is better than u! It can swim.
Tintumon: So do u know how 2 swim?
Dad: For sure!
Tintumon: Then, what’s the difference between u and a dog? 

Tintumon called FM radio & said
“I’ve found a purse with Rs.15000/- a credit card & an ID card of Mr.Mani, No.13,Halls rd,kannur.
Radio jocky : How honest .so you want to return his purse?
Tintumon : no. i just wanted to dedicate a sad song for him 

Father and tintumon were standing in front of the tiger’s cage at the zoo.
The father was explaining how ferocious and strong tigers are, and tintumon was taking it all in with a serious expression.
“Dad,” tinumon said finally, “if the tiger got out of his cage and ate you up “
“Yes, son?” the father said expectantly.
“What bus should I take home?” Tintumon finished.

Teacher: Imagine u r a millionaire. Write ur life history. 
Tintumon didn’t write.
 
Teacher: why are you not writing?
 
Tintumon : I’m waiting 4 my secretary 2 take notes.
 

Tintumon was asked to write a sign board for the traffic near the school.
He wrote”Drive carefully! Don’t kill the students, wait for the teachers” 

Prof.: Chemical symbol of Barium?
Tintumon:BA
Prof.: For Sodium?
Tintumon:NA
Prof.: What will we get if 1 atom of Barium & 2 atoms of Sodium combines?
Tintumon:”BANANA” 

The principal was annoyed by the noise during the assembly program.
There seem to be several idiots in the auditorium this morning,Wouldn’t it be better to hear one at a time?� 
Tintumon shouted, Okay you start.�
 

PASSIVE VOICE 
teacher: Write the passive voice of ” I made a mistake”
Tintumon: ” I was made by a mistake”
 

PROFESSOR 
A professor to tintumon: “what is attention deficit hyperactive disorder?”
Tintumon: “JIMBALAKDI PAMBA”
professor: “I don’t understand anything”
Tintumon: “same 2 you”
 

PTA Meeting 
Tintumon: Dad, there is a small PTA meeting at school tomorrow..
Dad: Wat do u mean by a small PTA meeting ?
Tintumon: its just u, me & the Principal ! 

Techy Tintumon 
Teacher: Write a C program to prevent TITANIC from sinking..
Tintumon:Declare the variable TITANIC as float!

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Short and Sweet Jokes


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Short and Sweet!

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and family values.
Bill said, ‘I didn’t sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?’
Larry replied, ‘I’m not sure, what was her maiden name?’ 

—————————————————————————————————————————-
A little boy went up to his father and asked: ‘Dad, where did my intelligence come from?’
The father replied: ‘Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.’
Fun & Info @ Keralites.net
‘Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,’ the divorce Court Judge said, ‘And I’ve decided to give your wife $775 a week,’
‘That’s very fair, your honor,’ the husband said. ‘And every now and
then I’ll try to send her a few bucks myself.’
________________________________________________________
A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, ‘I don’t like the looks of your wife at all.’
‘Me neither doc,’ said the husband.
‘But she’s a great cook and really good with the kids.’ 

_________________________________________________________
Two Reasons Why It’s So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:
1. The DNA all matches.
2. There are no dental records.
Fun & Info @ Keralites.net
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, ‘Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.’
The old man says without hesitation, ‘I now pronounce you man and wife.’
_________________________________________________________
A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, ‘Can you tell me how long it’ll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?’
The agent replies, ‘Just a minute.’
‘Thank you,’ the blonde says, and hangs up.
Fun & Info @ Keralites.net
2 Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
‘How was he killed?’ asked one detective.
‘With a golf gun,’ the other detective replied.
‘A golf gun! What is a golf gun?’
‘I don’t know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.’
_________________________________________________________
Moe: ‘My wife got me to believe in religion.’
Joe: ‘Really?’
Moe: ‘Yeah. Until I married her I didn’t believe in Hell.’
______________________________________________________________________
A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.
‘I’m O. K. But I didn’t like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery,’ he answered. ‘What did he say,’ asked the nurse.
‘Oops!’

________________________________________________________
While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so sought my husband’s advice. ‘What do you think?’ I asked. ‘Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?’
‘Better get a bikini,’ he replied. ‘You’d never get it all in one.’
He’s still in intensive care.


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